What I've Learned From Living in Texas

It's been 11 months since I've lived in Texas. I wanted to wait a year before I wrote this post but I'm feeling eager and like now is the right time to share. 

In the past 11 months I've learned a lot of little things along the way and a few major things that I've truly needed to learn. Today, I'd like to share the five most important lessons I've learned. Not in vanity but to hopefully help others learn, too.

Here are the five biggest life lessons I've learned these past 11 months:

1. I am poorer now than I was before 

I partly moved to Texas to earn more and to gain more financial freedom. I am now making 35% more and have gained more "financial wealth" but have lost the wealth I value most, people. 
I've always stated that life isn't about things it's about people - but I have never truly lived it until now. 
Removing yourself from 95% of the people you love has made me realize that I was a truly wealthy woman - and I truly know with all my heart that my life is meaningless when I have things but don't have anyone to share them with. 

2. God truly answers prayers 

I've suffered a lot, hit lows I've never hit before, been angry and volatile, even resentful but I've seen my God's forgiveness in action and watched how He's heard my prayers and answered them. He's answered every one of my prayers - all in His perfect time and not mine. Watching Him work in my life has truly built a deeper and stronger relationship with the One I've needed to grow in all along. 

3. What I want 

Living near 99% of my family and friends and hearing all the various opinions on what people think I should want, or telling me what I want really began to take its toll on me. Some people may have been right but I didn't want to be told what I wanted. I wanted to learn what I wanted. Separating myself, and using the majority of my time here alone has given me the space I've needed to learn what I want. I know what I want for my future, who I want to be and exactly what I want to become. 

4. More of who I am 

I don't think it's fair to state I know fully who I am. I think we spend our whole lives learning who we are. In every trial and difficult time we learn we're more capable of what we ever thought before. I've faced some ugly times in the past 11 months, and I have learned more of who I am through those times. I've learned more about who I am and less about what people have always told me I was. 
Having no outside forces telling you their opinions of you allows you to truly learn who you really are. 


The last thing that I've learned, has been the hardest to learn yet the most profound and important lesson of all. 

6. When I am no longer the youngest in my family I will be okay 

Aside from my siblings I've always been the youngest in every family dynamic. I've always been the baby of every group - a bossy baby nonetheless but truly the youngest. 

And, if you know me, you know that I have always struggled with horrific anxiety. I've been known to cry randomly because I start worrying about something that could happen in twenty years. I spend nights laying awake worrying about my unborn children - praying they'll be okay, worrying that I will fail them. I can't tell you how many times I've made myself ill worrying about Austin and Bella. I don't even sleep well because I have nightmares about my loved ones dying. I am riddled with anxiety and try hard to keep it at bay. 
I say all of this to introduce my biggest fear and the most profound lesson I've had to learn. I am painfully afraid that when I am left as the matriarch of my family, when I am 90 years old like my great grandmother with five generations below me I will not be able to do it as well as those who have taught me. 
I fear that when I am left alone to lead my family I will fail, I will not leave the same legacy I have... and now I've been fearing this less. 

Being physically separated from all of the women who have invested in my life has taught me that all of their love, wisdom and teachings will never go anywhere. When people are no longer with my physically their love will remain, their wisdom will be remembered, and their legacy will be continued. 

Though I do not want to think of that day, I know when it comes I am going to be okay.  I not only will always have my God with me always supporting me, loving me and carrying me through but I will have the promise to see them again, and hopefully see my offsprings again as well. 

I've truly learned everything is going to be okay, because life isn't in my hands but in my creators. 

How to Handle Being Forgotten

In college I became really interested in the field of Family Communication. It was by far my favorite class throughout my entire college career. It was something I was highly interested in and it became one of the few classes that I continued to read research on for years afterwards - actually I still enjoy reading new research.

My nerd obsession has caused me to over analyze my entire life and family and I'm not exactly sure that it's the best interest for me to have. When I look back on my childhood and analyze it - the best memories don't always come to surface. I wish I could say I had the support I needed all along, and I wish I could say that I had a truly care-free childhood. I really wish that I could say a lot of things but I can't.

But, the ONE thing I wish more than anything I could say is that I wish I wasn't always forgotten about. And, I say this because it's one of the many things that has rolled over into adulthood and still causes pain today.

I've always been one that's been quick to forgive so I never really minded when people said things that they didn't mean or did things they shouldn't have done. Sure, there were scars created and left but forgiving things like that aren't really that hard for me to do.

But, being forgotten - that's not as easy to forgive and that creates a whole different level of pain. It's not that a person was just having a bad day and they messed up by saying something they shouldn't have. I mean really, who hasn't said something they shouldn't have before? But, being forgotten that is different - you feel a certain level of worthlessness that's hard to recover from.

It's even worse is when it comes from a parent. Especially when it continues on into adulthood and it becomes a theme of your life to be the "forgotten one". I'll say it a million times over, being forgotten about is way worse than any other form of disappointment. Anger is quick to surface and quick to end, physical pain is merely temporary but being neglected that lasts a lifetime.

I spent my entire childhood riddled with the pain and trying to cope. It wasn't easy and I was always unsuccessful. It wasn't until I was 17 that I finally found the cure for being forgotten. But, it wasn't until I was 24 that I allowed the Cure to do His thing.  

When I was 17 I surrendered my life to Christ - and trust me, that wasn't something I ever foresaw in my future as a child, but it's the best decision I have ever made for my future as an adult. God has brought me great comfort in these past 7 years and every day I am in awe of what He has done for me.

But, sadly, it wasn't until the other night that I for first time really allowed  God to come in and comfort my pain of being neglected. I for the first time in my life, felt the peace that came from my Father - the one who has NOT forgotten me. The one who loves me, and the one who wants me.

For whatever reason I have chosen to hold on to that pain and let it eat away at me. I have limited God - I have let Him have control in some areas of my life but not in all. And it wasn't until I was finally too exhausted, too torn and too weary that I finally let what I should have been letting all along. I let the PEACE that passeth all understanding fill my heart, my mind and my soul. I surrendered all my problems and I even gave up my biggest problem that I've so stupidly held onto all these years.

And since then, I have almost felt like a fool because I've kept such a beautiful, peaceful joy from my life. I've prevented something so wonderful with such a proud spirit.

So, I am here today with a humble heart and a humble spirit to tell anyone who's reading that if you're feeling forgotten about and unwanted - you do have a Father that loves you. You were created with a specific intent. And, "though my Father and Mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10

If you're looking to feel the love that you so deserve just stop searching and just start crying out. It's taken me 24 years to learn to just stop and I hope I can help someone learn this precious lesson much sooner in life. He loves you, you are wanted and He is enough!

And for those who don't understand my picture - it's of the movie Matilda, it was the one movie I related to more than anything in my childhood! I definitely recommend watching!

The Need To Be Less Needy

This is going to be a hard post for me, because this is one of my biggest issues. For every bit of independent I am, I am equally needy.

I'm currently reading Beth Moore's, Get Out Of That Pit. I love her books, she's one of my personal role heroes. I think by the title you can guess what the book is about.

While reading in one of the chapters she addressed the issue of relationships ending because of people relying on other people to get them out of their pits. If you're a Christian you should already know better... This I have to repent for often.

It's not the issue of being needy per-say that I want to address it's the issue of ending relationships when people withdraw from your neediness.

Have you ever confided in a friend at the beginning of a rough time? They spent countless hours mentoring you and you felt closer to them than ever before. But then, all of the sudden or gradually they start withdrawing.

As they withdraw, your anger and frustration grows. You feel that they have abandoned you. How could they? They knew how bad you were hurting yet they still didn't come to your rescue. Out of anger, you end that relationship and  think of that person horribly.

Well, I am here to say, that's wrong and I am incredibly guilty of this one. I don't end relationships but I do get out the fighting gloves and am ready to hash it out. And then, I lose. Every. Single. Time. Why I still bother to fight is still a mystery. 

Here's the deal, if you're like me and have been the person that's been too needy - FORGIVE the person that's angered you. They are just a person. A person can only do so much. People do not withdraw because they do not love you. They withdraw because they are people. They have to withdraw for self preservation.

Once a person gives you all they can, they cannot give anymore. Once you've gotten them to that point, they withdraw because they have nothing else they can do. They still love you but they're all out of ideas. 

And, if you're also like  me and have been the person on the opposite side that has withdrawn because a friend has taken all of you. They have taken all that you could possibly give and out of love you backed away. Remember this the next time you are on the side of being too needy. 

I would like to apologize to any person that's been on both sides with me. To those of you who I have been too needy with - thank you for all you did and I'm sorry for getting angry when I shouldn't have. For those of you that I withdrew from, I'm sorry for pulling away and making you feel worse, I never meant to hurt you. I should have remained an encouragement and showed you love, always.

Please don't take this as a message where I am saying that you shouldn't ask people for help nor give help. I think support groups and friends are absolutely necessary. You should have them, always. People should always help others when they can. But, forgive and love when people show limitations.

For Christians and non Christians alike, we have to understand people are people. No other human can do for us what we need to do for ourselves. The decision to move on and get out of a pit will always fall back on us. We alone have to make that decision.

For Christians, 2 Corinthians 1:10 - He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us (NIV)  Psalm 140:7 Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, you shield my head in the day of battle. (NIV) 

Remember to cry out our worries pains and cares to the lord. Psalm 18:6 In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears (ESV) He hears our cries and He alone is the only one that can deliver us and be all that we need. 

Choose Him, not humans and experience all the freedom that comes with.