What I've Learned From Living in Texas

It's been 11 months since I've lived in Texas. I wanted to wait a year before I wrote this post but I'm feeling eager and like now is the right time to share. 

In the past 11 months I've learned a lot of little things along the way and a few major things that I've truly needed to learn. Today, I'd like to share the five most important lessons I've learned. Not in vanity but to hopefully help others learn, too.

Here are the five biggest life lessons I've learned these past 11 months:

1. I am poorer now than I was before 

I partly moved to Texas to earn more and to gain more financial freedom. I am now making 35% more and have gained more "financial wealth" but have lost the wealth I value most, people. 
I've always stated that life isn't about things it's about people - but I have never truly lived it until now. 
Removing yourself from 95% of the people you love has made me realize that I was a truly wealthy woman - and I truly know with all my heart that my life is meaningless when I have things but don't have anyone to share them with. 

2. God truly answers prayers 

I've suffered a lot, hit lows I've never hit before, been angry and volatile, even resentful but I've seen my God's forgiveness in action and watched how He's heard my prayers and answered them. He's answered every one of my prayers - all in His perfect time and not mine. Watching Him work in my life has truly built a deeper and stronger relationship with the One I've needed to grow in all along. 

3. What I want 

Living near 99% of my family and friends and hearing all the various opinions on what people think I should want, or telling me what I want really began to take its toll on me. Some people may have been right but I didn't want to be told what I wanted. I wanted to learn what I wanted. Separating myself, and using the majority of my time here alone has given me the space I've needed to learn what I want. I know what I want for my future, who I want to be and exactly what I want to become. 

4. More of who I am 

I don't think it's fair to state I know fully who I am. I think we spend our whole lives learning who we are. In every trial and difficult time we learn we're more capable of what we ever thought before. I've faced some ugly times in the past 11 months, and I have learned more of who I am through those times. I've learned more about who I am and less about what people have always told me I was. 
Having no outside forces telling you their opinions of you allows you to truly learn who you really are. 


The last thing that I've learned, has been the hardest to learn yet the most profound and important lesson of all. 

6. When I am no longer the youngest in my family I will be okay 

Aside from my siblings I've always been the youngest in every family dynamic. I've always been the baby of every group - a bossy baby nonetheless but truly the youngest. 

And, if you know me, you know that I have always struggled with horrific anxiety. I've been known to cry randomly because I start worrying about something that could happen in twenty years. I spend nights laying awake worrying about my unborn children - praying they'll be okay, worrying that I will fail them. I can't tell you how many times I've made myself ill worrying about Austin and Bella. I don't even sleep well because I have nightmares about my loved ones dying. I am riddled with anxiety and try hard to keep it at bay. 
I say all of this to introduce my biggest fear and the most profound lesson I've had to learn. I am painfully afraid that when I am left as the matriarch of my family, when I am 90 years old like my great grandmother with five generations below me I will not be able to do it as well as those who have taught me. 
I fear that when I am left alone to lead my family I will fail, I will not leave the same legacy I have... and now I've been fearing this less. 

Being physically separated from all of the women who have invested in my life has taught me that all of their love, wisdom and teachings will never go anywhere. When people are no longer with my physically their love will remain, their wisdom will be remembered, and their legacy will be continued. 

Though I do not want to think of that day, I know when it comes I am going to be okay.  I not only will always have my God with me always supporting me, loving me and carrying me through but I will have the promise to see them again, and hopefully see my offsprings again as well. 

I've truly learned everything is going to be okay, because life isn't in my hands but in my creators. 

I Am Me, Who Are You?

With this being my first blog I owe an obligatory introduction to my future readers. However, to fully introduce myself it would require time that I don't have to write and time you don't have to read. I will still introduce myself, but I plan to to release more information as the blogs go on. 

For now, it's important to know that I am a sinner saved by grace. I love my Lord and God with all my heart. My name is Carrisa with 2 r's and 1's. I find my name reflective of my personality. Just as my name is misspelled I too am flawed. As my name is different, you will come to find I am much different than anyone else you will ever meet. But, I think my name sounds happy overall and overall my nature is happy. 

 I am 23 and will turn 24 this summer. I currently live in Cincinnati Ohio.  I am a complex person yet I am also simple. I care more than most realize and when I love a person, I love fiercely. I don't give my heart to many but the people I give my heart to, I give in its entirety. 

I do not mince words. I plan to be transparent with my readers because I think that honesty and transparency are the two things necessary when helping people. My life goal is to change the world for one person. To change the world is an outlandish dream but to change the world of one makes life worth living. 

I have struggled with many demons and yet am still blessed beyond measure. I plan on sharing my struggles with my readers with the hope that I will be able to take the lessons I've learned and share them with anyone struggling with the same issues. I will use discretion while sharing the information you need to know to help you through a difficult situation. 

Currently, I am right smack dab in the middle of depression. I'm in one of the darkest times of my adult life. I find my moods and my struggles harder to deal with everyday. I am fighting off demons I've lived with my entire life and plan to finally conquer which is why I feel now is the right time to write.  

I believe the Lord will use this time to make something beautiful come out of my life. I trust He will do this. I want you to experience this stage of my life so you can see the process of how He works in peoples lives. So you can see that God is good and worth trusting. 

If you don't trust God yet, I understand. I just ask you don't tune me out and give Him a shot. I promise to never judge or harass anyone for not sharing the same beliefs.  Watch my journey and when it's all said and done if you still don't believe then I won't bother you again. But, I will pray for you and I will love you.