What I've Learned From Living in Texas

It's been 11 months since I've lived in Texas. I wanted to wait a year before I wrote this post but I'm feeling eager and like now is the right time to share. 

In the past 11 months I've learned a lot of little things along the way and a few major things that I've truly needed to learn. Today, I'd like to share the five most important lessons I've learned. Not in vanity but to hopefully help others learn, too.

Here are the five biggest life lessons I've learned these past 11 months:

1. I am poorer now than I was before 

I partly moved to Texas to earn more and to gain more financial freedom. I am now making 35% more and have gained more "financial wealth" but have lost the wealth I value most, people. 
I've always stated that life isn't about things it's about people - but I have never truly lived it until now. 
Removing yourself from 95% of the people you love has made me realize that I was a truly wealthy woman - and I truly know with all my heart that my life is meaningless when I have things but don't have anyone to share them with. 

2. God truly answers prayers 

I've suffered a lot, hit lows I've never hit before, been angry and volatile, even resentful but I've seen my God's forgiveness in action and watched how He's heard my prayers and answered them. He's answered every one of my prayers - all in His perfect time and not mine. Watching Him work in my life has truly built a deeper and stronger relationship with the One I've needed to grow in all along. 

3. What I want 

Living near 99% of my family and friends and hearing all the various opinions on what people think I should want, or telling me what I want really began to take its toll on me. Some people may have been right but I didn't want to be told what I wanted. I wanted to learn what I wanted. Separating myself, and using the majority of my time here alone has given me the space I've needed to learn what I want. I know what I want for my future, who I want to be and exactly what I want to become. 

4. More of who I am 

I don't think it's fair to state I know fully who I am. I think we spend our whole lives learning who we are. In every trial and difficult time we learn we're more capable of what we ever thought before. I've faced some ugly times in the past 11 months, and I have learned more of who I am through those times. I've learned more about who I am and less about what people have always told me I was. 
Having no outside forces telling you their opinions of you allows you to truly learn who you really are. 


The last thing that I've learned, has been the hardest to learn yet the most profound and important lesson of all. 

6. When I am no longer the youngest in my family I will be okay 

Aside from my siblings I've always been the youngest in every family dynamic. I've always been the baby of every group - a bossy baby nonetheless but truly the youngest. 

And, if you know me, you know that I have always struggled with horrific anxiety. I've been known to cry randomly because I start worrying about something that could happen in twenty years. I spend nights laying awake worrying about my unborn children - praying they'll be okay, worrying that I will fail them. I can't tell you how many times I've made myself ill worrying about Austin and Bella. I don't even sleep well because I have nightmares about my loved ones dying. I am riddled with anxiety and try hard to keep it at bay. 
I say all of this to introduce my biggest fear and the most profound lesson I've had to learn. I am painfully afraid that when I am left as the matriarch of my family, when I am 90 years old like my great grandmother with five generations below me I will not be able to do it as well as those who have taught me. 
I fear that when I am left alone to lead my family I will fail, I will not leave the same legacy I have... and now I've been fearing this less. 

Being physically separated from all of the women who have invested in my life has taught me that all of their love, wisdom and teachings will never go anywhere. When people are no longer with my physically their love will remain, their wisdom will be remembered, and their legacy will be continued. 

Though I do not want to think of that day, I know when it comes I am going to be okay.  I not only will always have my God with me always supporting me, loving me and carrying me through but I will have the promise to see them again, and hopefully see my offsprings again as well. 

I've truly learned everything is going to be okay, because life isn't in my hands but in my creators. 

How to Handle Being Forgotten

In college I became really interested in the field of Family Communication. It was by far my favorite class throughout my entire college career. It was something I was highly interested in and it became one of the few classes that I continued to read research on for years afterwards - actually I still enjoy reading new research.

My nerd obsession has caused me to over analyze my entire life and family and I'm not exactly sure that it's the best interest for me to have. When I look back on my childhood and analyze it - the best memories don't always come to surface. I wish I could say I had the support I needed all along, and I wish I could say that I had a truly care-free childhood. I really wish that I could say a lot of things but I can't.

But, the ONE thing I wish more than anything I could say is that I wish I wasn't always forgotten about. And, I say this because it's one of the many things that has rolled over into adulthood and still causes pain today.

I've always been one that's been quick to forgive so I never really minded when people said things that they didn't mean or did things they shouldn't have done. Sure, there were scars created and left but forgiving things like that aren't really that hard for me to do.

But, being forgotten - that's not as easy to forgive and that creates a whole different level of pain. It's not that a person was just having a bad day and they messed up by saying something they shouldn't have. I mean really, who hasn't said something they shouldn't have before? But, being forgotten that is different - you feel a certain level of worthlessness that's hard to recover from.

It's even worse is when it comes from a parent. Especially when it continues on into adulthood and it becomes a theme of your life to be the "forgotten one". I'll say it a million times over, being forgotten about is way worse than any other form of disappointment. Anger is quick to surface and quick to end, physical pain is merely temporary but being neglected that lasts a lifetime.

I spent my entire childhood riddled with the pain and trying to cope. It wasn't easy and I was always unsuccessful. It wasn't until I was 17 that I finally found the cure for being forgotten. But, it wasn't until I was 24 that I allowed the Cure to do His thing.  

When I was 17 I surrendered my life to Christ - and trust me, that wasn't something I ever foresaw in my future as a child, but it's the best decision I have ever made for my future as an adult. God has brought me great comfort in these past 7 years and every day I am in awe of what He has done for me.

But, sadly, it wasn't until the other night that I for first time really allowed  God to come in and comfort my pain of being neglected. I for the first time in my life, felt the peace that came from my Father - the one who has NOT forgotten me. The one who loves me, and the one who wants me.

For whatever reason I have chosen to hold on to that pain and let it eat away at me. I have limited God - I have let Him have control in some areas of my life but not in all. And it wasn't until I was finally too exhausted, too torn and too weary that I finally let what I should have been letting all along. I let the PEACE that passeth all understanding fill my heart, my mind and my soul. I surrendered all my problems and I even gave up my biggest problem that I've so stupidly held onto all these years.

And since then, I have almost felt like a fool because I've kept such a beautiful, peaceful joy from my life. I've prevented something so wonderful with such a proud spirit.

So, I am here today with a humble heart and a humble spirit to tell anyone who's reading that if you're feeling forgotten about and unwanted - you do have a Father that loves you. You were created with a specific intent. And, "though my Father and Mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10

If you're looking to feel the love that you so deserve just stop searching and just start crying out. It's taken me 24 years to learn to just stop and I hope I can help someone learn this precious lesson much sooner in life. He loves you, you are wanted and He is enough!

And for those who don't understand my picture - it's of the movie Matilda, it was the one movie I related to more than anything in my childhood! I definitely recommend watching!

Why I Love Harry Potter

Like millions across the world I too am a Harry Potter fan. I grew up with Harry Potter. The books came out when I was in third or fourth grade and the movies didn't end until I was in college. Harry Potter has been in my life for over half of my life.

 

Now, my little brother and sister love Harry Potter. It's something we can share together. I love that we have something so much fun to share! The wands you see, those are mine. The middle, the Elder Wand and my most precious wand. My brother and sister got this for me while we were in London and they were on a tour and I was in the hospital hurt - I'll share that story when I can think of an appropriate metaphor to apply it to. The Elder Wand is one of the most precious items I own because of how it was obtained. I will cherish that wand forever. 

The left, Voldemort's wand and right Narcissa Malfoy's wand. I have a goal to collect all of the wands. If you ever are looking to buy me a present, order me a new wand to complete my collection. I only ask you not to buy Hermione Granger's and Ron Weasley's. I will get those when the time is right. 

I think I've made it clear that I love Harry Potter. I am well aware JK Rowling and I do not share the same spiritual beliefs and I am okay with that. Just because I love the books and movies does not mean I am promoting witch craft and whatever asinine nonsense people say. I simply love Harry Potter because Rowling promotes the power of familial love. 

If you've not picked up by now, I love families, it's my plan to obtain my masters in family communication someday. Rowling addresses the love, power and impact of the importance of family and more specifically a mothers love. 

I feel, the world is selfish (myself included) and ignorantly independent. We tend to forget our actions have consequences. We fail to recognize that who we are is a combination of the people we came from, the environment we lived in and the life we lived. My friends that think they're "Miss Independent" and are nothing like their families make me laugh with such foolishness. 

Get this through your head now. You have the choice to not make the same mistakes as your parents. You will not however be able to act nothing like them. They are a part of you. You were formed from them and you are completely your own person made up of others. You have roots. Embrace them, learn from them and use what you have to make you the best you. 

I think we can all take time to appreciate and recognize the truth of what Rowling has taught mostly through Tom Riddle Jr. 

He came from two selfish parents - they were out for their greater good rather than their child's good. Our culture today tells us to take care of number one never mentioning the pain we cause when we neglect others that need us. Think this isn't a problem today? Check orphanages, foster care, your work, the deli across the street etc. everywhere you go you will find someone with a selfish parent. 

I could go on for the hours about a mothers love. But if you have watched the movies or read the books I needn't go on because the lesson is clear. 

Not only do you see the impact of neglectful parents from Tom Riddle but you see the impact of abusive proud parents. Tom's Mom, Merope Gaunt, thought to be a squib, turned out to be a woman with great enough magical power to cast a very long lasting and rather powerful love charm. Squandered and beaten down, Merope believed she was nothing... But when the abuse ended her power began. 

Maybe you're a Merope Gaunt. I know I was. Maybe you, like Merope need to break free from the oppression and see the true beauty and power you hold inside. 

I would like to also point out, Merope Gaunt and Tom Riddle Sr. may have not been around for Tom's upbringing but yet Tom could never deny them. The muggle blood ran through his veins, his appearance was that of his fathers. His inability to understand true love came from his mother. Even his arrogant pride came strait from his grandfather. 

Interestingly enough, Tom thought he was nothing like anyone yet turned out to be just like the ones he foolishly disassociated himself with. You are a part of your family no matter how much you want to deny it. 

I feel as if I could let this blog go on for hours because I have spent countless hours dissecting and studying all of the different familial relationships and the lessons that one could learn from and use for motivation. 

I want to end this blog in a different direction. A direction that is a bit of a challenge. See, I believe that Rowling is showing how families should behave and the true consequences of what happens when abuse is in place. Not only on a parental level throughout all families. Dumbledore shows great, great insight on the sibling love and consequences. 

I would like to challenge you to do one of two things: 

1. Pick a character you most relate to, comment on my blog and let me tell you the lessons you can learn from that character about how a family should/shouldn't behave. 

2. Comment a problem you struggle with, and let me name you the character that you can relate. I'll show you what Rowling has to teach.

You may be surprised to find that much of what Rowling is promoting is more biblical than one may think and there are many lessons one can learn.