My nerd obsession has caused me to over analyze my entire life and family and I'm not exactly sure that it's the best interest for me to have. When I look back on my childhood and analyze it - the best memories don't always come to surface. I wish I could say I had the support I needed all along, and I wish I could say that I had a truly care-free childhood. I really wish that I could say a lot of things but I can't.
But, the ONE thing I wish more than anything I could say is that I wish I wasn't always forgotten about. And, I say this because it's one of the many things that has rolled over into adulthood and still causes pain today.
I've always been one that's been quick to forgive so I never really minded when people said things that they didn't mean or did things they shouldn't have done. Sure, there were scars created and left but forgiving things like that aren't really that hard for me to do.
But, being forgotten - that's not as easy to forgive and that creates a whole different level of pain. It's not that a person was just having a bad day and they messed up by saying something they shouldn't have. I mean really, who hasn't said something they shouldn't have before? But, being forgotten that is different - you feel a certain level of worthlessness that's hard to recover from.
It's even worse is when it comes from a parent. Especially when it continues on into adulthood and it becomes a theme of your life to be the "forgotten one". I'll say it a million times over, being forgotten about is way worse than any other form of disappointment. Anger is quick to surface and quick to end, physical pain is merely temporary but being neglected that lasts a lifetime.
I spent my entire childhood riddled with the pain and trying to cope. It wasn't easy and I was always unsuccessful. It wasn't until I was 17 that I finally found the cure for being forgotten. But, it wasn't until I was 24 that I allowed the Cure to do His thing.
When I was 17 I surrendered my life to Christ - and trust me, that wasn't something I ever foresaw in my future as a child, but it's the best decision I have ever made for my future as an adult. God has brought me great comfort in these past 7 years and every day I am in awe of what He has done for me.
But, sadly, it wasn't until the other night that I for first time really allowed God to come in and comfort my pain of being neglected. I for the first time in my life, felt the peace that came from my Father - the one who has NOT forgotten me. The one who loves me, and the one who wants me.
For whatever reason I have chosen to hold on to that pain and let it eat away at me. I have limited God - I have let Him have control in some areas of my life but not in all. And it wasn't until I was finally too exhausted, too torn and too weary that I finally let what I should have been letting all along. I let the PEACE that passeth all understanding fill my heart, my mind and my soul. I surrendered all my problems and I even gave up my biggest problem that I've so stupidly held onto all these years.
And since then, I have almost felt like a fool because I've kept such a beautiful, peaceful joy from my life. I've prevented something so wonderful with such a proud spirit.
So, I am here today with a humble heart and a humble spirit to tell anyone who's reading that if you're feeling forgotten about and unwanted - you do have a Father that loves you. You were created with a specific intent. And, "though my Father and Mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10
If you're looking to feel the love that you so deserve just stop searching and just start crying out. It's taken me 24 years to learn to just stop and I hope I can help someone learn this precious lesson much sooner in life. He loves you, you are wanted and He is enough!
And for those who don't understand my picture - it's of the movie Matilda, it was the one movie I related to more than anything in my childhood! I definitely recommend watching!
No comments:
Post a Comment