Confessions of a Selfish Person

I like to read a few books at a time. A lot of the Christian based books I read often offer a lot of powerful content and I like to read a chapter a day so I can reflect on that chapter each day. Because of only reading one chapter a day, I read multiple books, because I like learning multiple things in one day.

Quote from A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado

Recently, I've found myself very upset with loved ones because I felt like I've been wronged. And, to be honest, I still feel there were injustices that took place - but that's neither here nor there. With my recent episode of feeling pain, and living as a single woman around very few family members I've become increasingly self centered.

Today, A Love Worth Giving and The Meaning of Marriage, two of the books I'm reading spoke on self centeredness. Typically my books don't coincide like that, and when they do, I feel it's time to listen. Additionally with recent events that have taken place in my life, I felt it was wise to listen to what scripture had to say.

"Love is patent, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Catch that little line in the middle... "it is not self-seeking". That hits me hard, and I am sure many others. I am guilty of being a self-seeking individual. My childhood was primarily spent in survival mode. I was surrounded by many that loved me, and I knew it; but, with all of the love I was abundantly showered with there was never much guidance. I was surrounded by people that would have given their lives for me, but they lacked maturity and the level of responsibility a child needs.

I spent many years watching people I love ruin their lives, act foolishly and completely neglect their responsibilities and often times the responsibilities associated to me. I spent years being provided every material item I ever wanted but never the emotional support I needed. I had to look out for me or else no one else would.

Those years of survival mode formed many great characteristics that I am thankful to have. I'm incredibly resourceful, relentless, persuasive, adaptable, and I very well may have a will power stronger than any other person I have or will ever meet. But, with the good comes the bad, the bad of the survival mode is that I have not ever been able to fully leave that mode and I've become incredibly selfish. When presented with difficulties my self-centeredness is off the charts; because, self-preservation is the only way I have ever known to survive.

In the past few months my selfish behavior has hurt many that I love. I watched and listened to the anger that arose from my behavior. I hurt feelings of people who love me because I had my own agenda and there was nothing that could be done to stop it. And, then, I felt guilt, much guilt and apologized but stayed mad at myself for letting myself hurt people that I care about.

With others, I remained quiet and grew angry that didn't behave how I expected them to. I let myself get angry over events that weren't anything, and situations that could have been talked about reasonably and calmly. But, people didn't do what I wanted them to do and as a result I grew silently angry. I waited to ambush with an attack that was created in my head.

I grew so angry that I hurt one of the people I love most. I was ruthless because I thought I deserved to be. At no point in any of these past few months did I ever put the other peoples feelings and their circumstances into consideration. I did not practice empathy, I practiced selfishness. I never put another first.

And when I left that person completely speechless I knew I had gone too far. I knew that my selfish actions had caused damage I truthfully never wanted to cause. I finally snapped out of my selfishness but only after it was too late and I had inflicted pain I can't take back. I have felt terrible for weeks over this. Now, I'll have to spend a good amount of time removing the wedge in the relationship that I created all in a matter of two hours I was able to cause enough damage that will take weeks to repair.

I did not do as Paul said, I was not humble and did not serve others over myself.  I did not act out of love, I acted out of pride. 1 Corinthians is very clear about what love is and how it behaves, yet I wasn't doing any of it. Jesus himself said, "A new command I give you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34 Without love we have nothing, yet I wasn't following what I had been commanded to do and what Jesus so highly values. His love is never selfish, His love was always kind and His love was not the love I was showing.

Sadly, I know I am not the only person on this planet that has had to deal with the repercussions of being selfish. I am not and will not be the last person that will ever hurt another out of selfishness. Oh, no, selfishness is something everyone struggles with. Sadly, I have a feeling everyone reading this can relate to the pain and guilt felt from hurting someone else because of self centered behaviors.

So, if you're reading this and you are one of the people I have hurt due to my selfish ways, I am sorry. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wronged you, and you didn't deserve to suffer from my sin. I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me.

And, if you're reading this and I haven't wronged you and you're wondering where I am going with all of this, here's where I am going, evaluate yourself and your situations. If you're mad at someone, if a relationship you care about is failing, if you're genuinely unhappy look at your life and find the selfishness in it and rid yourself of it.

Instead, join with me, and today decide that you too will start sacrificing your wants for others. Decide with me to start moving forward into a life filled with the joy God has intended for us, and not the bondage we create for ourselves.

Selfishness is like an emotional cancer that will ruin our lives and has been the cause of ending many lives throughout history. Let's start loving how Jesus loves, how we are supposed to love and take back the joy that selfishness has robbed all of us for years of.