What I've Learned From Living in Texas

It's been 11 months since I've lived in Texas. I wanted to wait a year before I wrote this post but I'm feeling eager and like now is the right time to share. 

In the past 11 months I've learned a lot of little things along the way and a few major things that I've truly needed to learn. Today, I'd like to share the five most important lessons I've learned. Not in vanity but to hopefully help others learn, too.

Here are the five biggest life lessons I've learned these past 11 months:

1. I am poorer now than I was before 

I partly moved to Texas to earn more and to gain more financial freedom. I am now making 35% more and have gained more "financial wealth" but have lost the wealth I value most, people. 
I've always stated that life isn't about things it's about people - but I have never truly lived it until now. 
Removing yourself from 95% of the people you love has made me realize that I was a truly wealthy woman - and I truly know with all my heart that my life is meaningless when I have things but don't have anyone to share them with. 

2. God truly answers prayers 

I've suffered a lot, hit lows I've never hit before, been angry and volatile, even resentful but I've seen my God's forgiveness in action and watched how He's heard my prayers and answered them. He's answered every one of my prayers - all in His perfect time and not mine. Watching Him work in my life has truly built a deeper and stronger relationship with the One I've needed to grow in all along. 

3. What I want 

Living near 99% of my family and friends and hearing all the various opinions on what people think I should want, or telling me what I want really began to take its toll on me. Some people may have been right but I didn't want to be told what I wanted. I wanted to learn what I wanted. Separating myself, and using the majority of my time here alone has given me the space I've needed to learn what I want. I know what I want for my future, who I want to be and exactly what I want to become. 

4. More of who I am 

I don't think it's fair to state I know fully who I am. I think we spend our whole lives learning who we are. In every trial and difficult time we learn we're more capable of what we ever thought before. I've faced some ugly times in the past 11 months, and I have learned more of who I am through those times. I've learned more about who I am and less about what people have always told me I was. 
Having no outside forces telling you their opinions of you allows you to truly learn who you really are. 


The last thing that I've learned, has been the hardest to learn yet the most profound and important lesson of all. 

6. When I am no longer the youngest in my family I will be okay 

Aside from my siblings I've always been the youngest in every family dynamic. I've always been the baby of every group - a bossy baby nonetheless but truly the youngest. 

And, if you know me, you know that I have always struggled with horrific anxiety. I've been known to cry randomly because I start worrying about something that could happen in twenty years. I spend nights laying awake worrying about my unborn children - praying they'll be okay, worrying that I will fail them. I can't tell you how many times I've made myself ill worrying about Austin and Bella. I don't even sleep well because I have nightmares about my loved ones dying. I am riddled with anxiety and try hard to keep it at bay. 
I say all of this to introduce my biggest fear and the most profound lesson I've had to learn. I am painfully afraid that when I am left as the matriarch of my family, when I am 90 years old like my great grandmother with five generations below me I will not be able to do it as well as those who have taught me. 
I fear that when I am left alone to lead my family I will fail, I will not leave the same legacy I have... and now I've been fearing this less. 

Being physically separated from all of the women who have invested in my life has taught me that all of their love, wisdom and teachings will never go anywhere. When people are no longer with my physically their love will remain, their wisdom will be remembered, and their legacy will be continued. 

Though I do not want to think of that day, I know when it comes I am going to be okay.  I not only will always have my God with me always supporting me, loving me and carrying me through but I will have the promise to see them again, and hopefully see my offsprings again as well. 

I've truly learned everything is going to be okay, because life isn't in my hands but in my creators. 

How to Handle Being Forgotten

In college I became really interested in the field of Family Communication. It was by far my favorite class throughout my entire college career. It was something I was highly interested in and it became one of the few classes that I continued to read research on for years afterwards - actually I still enjoy reading new research.

My nerd obsession has caused me to over analyze my entire life and family and I'm not exactly sure that it's the best interest for me to have. When I look back on my childhood and analyze it - the best memories don't always come to surface. I wish I could say I had the support I needed all along, and I wish I could say that I had a truly care-free childhood. I really wish that I could say a lot of things but I can't.

But, the ONE thing I wish more than anything I could say is that I wish I wasn't always forgotten about. And, I say this because it's one of the many things that has rolled over into adulthood and still causes pain today.

I've always been one that's been quick to forgive so I never really minded when people said things that they didn't mean or did things they shouldn't have done. Sure, there were scars created and left but forgiving things like that aren't really that hard for me to do.

But, being forgotten - that's not as easy to forgive and that creates a whole different level of pain. It's not that a person was just having a bad day and they messed up by saying something they shouldn't have. I mean really, who hasn't said something they shouldn't have before? But, being forgotten that is different - you feel a certain level of worthlessness that's hard to recover from.

It's even worse is when it comes from a parent. Especially when it continues on into adulthood and it becomes a theme of your life to be the "forgotten one". I'll say it a million times over, being forgotten about is way worse than any other form of disappointment. Anger is quick to surface and quick to end, physical pain is merely temporary but being neglected that lasts a lifetime.

I spent my entire childhood riddled with the pain and trying to cope. It wasn't easy and I was always unsuccessful. It wasn't until I was 17 that I finally found the cure for being forgotten. But, it wasn't until I was 24 that I allowed the Cure to do His thing.  

When I was 17 I surrendered my life to Christ - and trust me, that wasn't something I ever foresaw in my future as a child, but it's the best decision I have ever made for my future as an adult. God has brought me great comfort in these past 7 years and every day I am in awe of what He has done for me.

But, sadly, it wasn't until the other night that I for first time really allowed  God to come in and comfort my pain of being neglected. I for the first time in my life, felt the peace that came from my Father - the one who has NOT forgotten me. The one who loves me, and the one who wants me.

For whatever reason I have chosen to hold on to that pain and let it eat away at me. I have limited God - I have let Him have control in some areas of my life but not in all. And it wasn't until I was finally too exhausted, too torn and too weary that I finally let what I should have been letting all along. I let the PEACE that passeth all understanding fill my heart, my mind and my soul. I surrendered all my problems and I even gave up my biggest problem that I've so stupidly held onto all these years.

And since then, I have almost felt like a fool because I've kept such a beautiful, peaceful joy from my life. I've prevented something so wonderful with such a proud spirit.

So, I am here today with a humble heart and a humble spirit to tell anyone who's reading that if you're feeling forgotten about and unwanted - you do have a Father that loves you. You were created with a specific intent. And, "though my Father and Mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10

If you're looking to feel the love that you so deserve just stop searching and just start crying out. It's taken me 24 years to learn to just stop and I hope I can help someone learn this precious lesson much sooner in life. He loves you, you are wanted and He is enough!

And for those who don't understand my picture - it's of the movie Matilda, it was the one movie I related to more than anything in my childhood! I definitely recommend watching!

The Path Not Yet Traveld

Today, while on a hike with Justin we opted out starting a second trail and instead going into a creek. The water was freezing but for some reason so very refreshing. While walking through the water I enjoyed the freedom of no shoes and being one with nature. I  also began thinking deeply like I often do on hikes. 

I don't know what it is about nature but it causes me to create thousands of useless and tacky metaphors and similes. Today's was, "Sometimes life doesn't require us to take the path less traveled it requires us to take a path not traveled yet at all." Corny, I know, but there's truth to be found. 

Walking through the creek, isn't a path intended to be taken. It was fun, but not the intention of the trail. Well, life's like that for all of us. 

We see trails of people before us, perhaps our parents, and we feel we need to follow the path already set. We avoid the freezing cold watery paths because they're not where we think we're supposed to be. 

But what if it's exactly where we're supposed to be? What if in life, we're meant to take the trails that are more difficult and no one we know has gone before us in that same path?

I'm at a stage in my life now where I think that's exactly what we're supposed to do. 

The paths not traveled yet are scary but are the exact paths that lead us to the destination we want. Our parents are not us nor are we them. We need to feel brave enough to travel on our own and not stifled by our fears and doubts that we go and do what's comfortable. 

Comfort has never created anything great. When we reject creating our own paths we reject our inner desires and the growth we're supposed to achieve. Our own paths are rocky, wet and not yet molded. They're dark, long and seem never ending because no ones been there before and that's okay. 

I have no idea what my future holds, I have no idea where life will lead me but I do know that if I refuse to search I'll never find. 

Am I afraid of what lies ahead? Absolutely. Do I think I am going to mess up? Absolutely. Will I ever regret taking my own path and following what's right for me? Absolutely not.

Like I said, I have no idea what my future holds. But what I do know is that my life is my own as is my future. Therefore my path will never look the same as anyone else's nor will yours. Embrace the beauty of your unique path. Carve your name in some trees along the way. ;) Make your path one you're proud of and completely your own. 

I'm not sure the exact purpose of this blog. Maybe, it's to convince myself to over come my fears. Maybe it's to convince someone else struggling with starting their own path that it's okay. Or maybe, it's to let the other wanders out there know they're not alone. 

Your path may look scary at first, it may even require you to get muddy and even get your feet legs and butt soaking wet in icy cold water. It's not going to be easy and always pleasant but it will always be worth it. 

Get to walking and get to making the best life for you, for only you have the ability to figure out and find what's best and will work for your life. Well, while using God of course. He knows all, but you gotta trust Him and travel where He calls you to go. :) 

20 Somethings Are Really Just Adult Middle Schoolers

Middle School = ROUGH times

Being in the stage of a 20 something I have come to find that other 20 somethings like me are in a stage of life that's comparable to middle school. By 20 somethings, I mean anyone that's graduated from college and is in their first or second job, usually in the 22-29 year old range.


This stage of life is just another awkward transitionary stage. We are now "real adults" who still have no idea who we really are. No we're not wearing horrible eye liner, or switching from being a skater punk one week then a prep the next.

But we're trying new "hobbies" taking new interests up in hopes that they will help us find who we really are. We know I past hobbies aren't  going to make us who we want to be but we now need to learn new behaviors and create new patterns that will help mold us into the people we want to become.

At least 80% of the people I know have made a horrible job choice (myself included) and that bad choice causes us to question is there more to life? We know there is deep down, but we don't know how to get there. We're confused but we are longing to be "big" and"independent" just like we were in middle school. Like middle school, we still know nothing but we're not going to admit it.

This stage is hard because we thought by now we would know who we really are. We've just come to learn we only know who we really are in school. We really don't know anything about our "adult selves".

So we try desperately to find our identity and claim our independence. Some of us are better but all of us struggle for a period.

Everything about this stage sucks just like middle school.

Thankfully we're not rocking our head to toe matching brand new Aeropostale track suits during this stage. We do look a little better - thankfully so! At least we have better style under our belts.

However, there is an upside to middle school we often forget. The time is short. Middle school was the worst part but the fastest part of our childhood.

Through all the trial and error and bad outfits we really did learn a lot about ourselves in that time. We learned through the failed attempts what we wanted to be in high school and what "clique" was right for us.

So to all the other 20 somethings out there suffering through middle school - FAIL on! Yep, keep trying and keep failing. Don't be afraid to try and fail just like you did as a child.

Fail on and let all those failures and mistakes be life lessons used to shape you into the person you want to be! Just DON'T stop trying until you get it right!

This world is BIG and there is a LOT for us to learn. So learn on and don't lose hope.
Eventually the right job, relationship etc. will come but we'll never find it if we quit looking and trying.

After all middle school eventually ended, so this stage (thankfully) will, too!