In my first post, I mentioned I am currently smack dab in the middle of depression. I cannot run from it, it's true. I am depressed for a plethora of reasons. Some reasons, as much as I would like to share, I am unable to at the moment but will in due time.
Today, my focus is on my issue of belonging. Before I go on, understand, I am a very loved individual. I have an unfathomable amount of people that love me deeply and I love back. I am grateful for every last one of them.
However, though I have been surrounded by love, I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. My parents divorced before I could remember them being together. I never thought it affected me much until today. I never really felt like I fully belonged to either side of my family because of the divorce. I always felt like a disposable half to whatever side of my family I was with.
My preschool teacher's family basically raised me throughout my childhood. Though they weren't blood I had my Granny, Papaw, Aunt, older sister and two older brothers. I love(d) them with my entire heart and they love(d) me the same. But deep down, I still didn't feel like I belonged. Not because of them but because I was too young to understand the great gift they had given me.
When my mom remarried I felt like I didn't belong again. I felt as if she were beginning her life anew with her husband and there wasn't room for me. Then when my siblings were born, I felt their family was completed and I didn't belong. I love my siblings more than any other two people on this planet but there are many days I feel like I do not belong.
At 15 I moved in with my Aunt and I didn't feel right with her anymore than I did with my mom. Not because my aunt didn't love me and not because my mom and step dad didn't love me but because I, ME, let me reiterate these were thoughts I CREATED in MY mind. My aunt is single and I felt I was nothing more than a burden on her.
My dad always had his own life, I loved him but due to my childhood I never felt much like I belonged with him.
I have the greatest friends in the world currently, so many people who have taken me in a part of their family and I still don't feel like I belong.
I've lived a life alone. My life was filled with many people but all were coming and going. Never did I have a sibling by my side to share the same experiences with. Everything I have ever experienced has been by myself. No other person has been with me through all my life.
It's not that the people above didn't love me. They do love me still actually. But I was always the lone ranger experiencing a life completely different than everyone else around me.
My sweet boyfriend loves me and to him I feel like I belong. But, there's a familial void nonetheless. I suppose when I start my own family, I will get to feel the joy of knowing others belong to me.
Are you like me? Do you not feel like you belong? Do you search endlessly, longing to feel the love and acceptance and warm embrace of the ones you think you should belong to? Do you wish someone would just come up to you and hold you tightly while you're crying and say, "it's okay. It's all going to be okay, I've got you, you belong to me and I will never leave."
What if I told you that it wouldn't matter what anyone ever said and did to you? It's true, it doesn't. For two reasons: 1. Though the insecurity you may feel may have not been created by you, the choice to allow the anxiety and hurt to win is a choice you make. It's the same choice I make in my weakest times, at my lowest points when I've quit fitting.
2. It's all a lie. Yes, Satan is lying to you. He wants to isolate you, and he will at all costs. You already belong, you always have and you always will. Let my words sink in, you have ALWAYS belonged and you ALWAYS will. This is for me personally, I BELONG, I HAVE ALWAYS BELONGED AND I WILL ALWAYS BELONG.
Jeremiah 1:5 States; "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." (NIV) Read that twice, three times, four times however many times before it sets in.
God KNEW you before you were ever born. HE wants you, HE set you apart and HE has a plan for your life. HE WANTS YOU.
But, when you're down and like me and need picking up there's only one that can bring true comfort. The one that loves you, the one that formed you in the womb and set you apart for Him. He's waiting for you to fall into His arms. He wants to tell you it's going to be okay, He wants you to know you belong to Him and always will.
Don't let satan win, read scripture, pray, call friends - REACH OUT! Don't be a victim like I've been. Don't live in fear of your feelings. Tell your loved ones, work with them and cry, my dear friend cry. Let the emotions flow through you and let the comforter heal you.
But don't let yourself get alone, Christian or not being alone is the worst thing you can do. Surround yourself with loved ones always.
Because like you, I too belong and I too need reminders. But I, like you, cannot afford to fall victim. We must choose to overcome the past pains and let the present healing begin.
The choice will always remain in our hands. Will you be weak like I've currently been and let the devil say you don't belong anywhere. Or will you choose to be strong like I once was and am now choosing to be and believe the truth that you do belong to someone.
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