Saturday, January 31, 2015

Confessions of a Selfish Person

I like to read a few books at a time. A lot of the Christian based books I read often offer a lot of powerful content and I like to read a chapter a day so I can reflect on that chapter each day. Because of only reading one chapter a day, I read multiple books, because I like learning multiple things in one day.

Quote from A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado
Recently, I've found myself very upset with loved ones because I felt like I've been wronged. And, to be honest, I still feel there were injustices that took place - but that's neither here nor there. With my recent episode of feeling pain, and living as a single woman around very few family members I've become increasingly self centered.

Today, A Love Worth Giving and The Meaning of Marriage, two of the books I'm reading spoke on self centeredness. Typically my books don't coincide like that, and when they do, I feel it's time to listen. Additionally with recent events that have taken place in my life, I felt it was wise to listen to what scripture had to say.

"Love is patent, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Catch that little line in the middle... "it is not self-seeking". That hits me hard, and I am sure many others. I am guilty of being a self-seeking individual. My childhood was primarily spent in survival mode. I was surrounded by many that loved me, and I knew it; but, with all of the love I was abundantly showered with there was never much guidance. I was surrounded by people that would have given their lives for me, but they lacked maturity and the level of responsibility a child needs.

I spent many years watching people I love ruin their lives, act foolishly and completely neglect their responsibilities and often times the responsibilities associated to me. I spent years being provided every material item I ever wanted but never the emotional support I needed. I had to look out for me or else no one else would.

Those years of survival mode formed many great characteristics that I am thankful to have. I'm incredibly resourceful, relentless, persuasive, adaptable, and I very well may have a will power stronger than any other person I have or will ever meet. But, with the good comes the bad, the bad of the survival mode is that I have not ever been able to fully leave that mode and I've become incredibly selfish. When presented with difficulties my self-centeredness is off the charts; because, self-preservation is the only way I have ever known to survive.

In the past few months my selfish behavior has hurt many that I love. I watched and listened to the anger that arose from my behavior. I hurt feelings of people who love me because I had my own agenda and there was nothing that could be done to stop it. And, then, I felt guilt, much guilt and apologized but stayed mad at myself for letting myself hurt people that I care about.

With others, I remained quiet and grew angry that didn't behave how I expected them to. I let myself get angry over events that weren't anything, and situations that could have been talked about reasonably and calmly. But, people didn't do what I wanted them to do and as a result I grew silently angry. I waited to ambush with an attack that was created in my head.

I grew so angry that I hurt one of the people I love most. I was ruthless because I thought I deserved to be. At no point in any of these past few months did I ever put the other peoples feelings and their circumstances into consideration. I did not practice empathy, I practiced selfishness. I never put another first.

And when I left that person completely speechless I knew I had gone too far. I knew that my selfish actions had caused damage I truthfully never wanted to cause. I finally snapped out of my selfishness but only after it was too late and I had inflicted pain I can't take back. I have felt terrible for weeks over this. Now, I'll have to spend a good amount of time removing the wedge in the relationship that I created all in a matter of two hours I was able to cause enough damage that will take weeks to repair.

I did not do as Paul said, I was not humble and did not serve others over myself.  I did not act out of love, I acted out of pride. 1 Corinthians is very clear about what love is and how it behaves, yet I wasn't doing any of it. Jesus himself said, "A new command I give you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34 Without love we have nothing, yet I wasn't following what I had been commanded to do and what Jesus so highly values. His love is never selfish, His love was always kind and His love was not the love I was showing.

Sadly, I know I am not the only person on this planet that has had to deal with the repercussions of being selfish. I am not and will not be the last person that will ever hurt another out of selfishness. Oh, no, selfishness is something everyone struggles with. Sadly, I have a feeling everyone reading this can relate to the pain and guilt felt from hurting someone else because of self centered behaviors.

So, if you're reading this and you are one of the people I have hurt due to my selfish ways, I am sorry. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wronged you, and you didn't deserve to suffer from my sin. I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me.

And, if you're reading this and I haven't wronged you and you're wondering where I am going with all of this, here's where I am going, evaluate yourself and your situations. If you're mad at someone, if a relationship you care about is failing, if you're genuinely unhappy look at your life and find the selfishness in it and rid yourself of it.

Instead, join with me, and today decide that you too will start sacrificing your wants for others. Decide with me to start moving forward into a life filled with the joy God has intended for us, and not the bondage we create for ourselves.

Selfishness is like an emotional cancer that will ruin our lives and has been the cause of ending many lives throughout history. Let's start loving how Jesus loves, how we are supposed to love and take back the joy that selfishness has robbed all of us for years of.


Friday, January 16, 2015

How to Handle Rejection



In life we all tend to be a pro in something. I, personally, have become a pro at being rejected.
Typically I refrain from posts like these because I am not much a fan of being viewed as a victim and I absolutely hate when people do things for me out of pity.
But, I've been struggling with the pain that comes from rejection a lot the past month, and I know that I am not alone. I also know this pain can be one of the most hurtful pains an individual can feel and a lot people are afraid to express their pain to others. So, it is out of my desire to let others feel they're not alone and to help as many people as I can I've decided to write on this topic.

When it comes to rejection, I've experience a LOT of it over my life time. In fact, I deal with the pain of feeling rejected every single day of my life. Every single day I have to fight off the horrid thoughts that come with and rise above.

Not every day is bad but everyday I fight the demons off to some degree nonetheless. I've dealt with rejection that I've realized in the end was for the better. Rejection like, not getting the jobs I so desperately wanted; but in the end realized that they weren't the right fit for me after all and I ended up right where I was supposed to be all along. This rejections is the easiest to overcome, because with patience and a little bit of time you see the good in being rejected from something you wanted. At first it hurts, but this rejection prepares you for other rejections and allows you to see the good in a bad situation. I don't so much mind this form of rejection as I do the others.

I've dealt with the rejection that comes from a family member that should love you, reject you and disown you year after year. Rejection from family members is a type of rejection that I've yet to be able to figure out the good in. This rejection is raw, every time you are reminded of this pain you're hurt as much as you were the first time it happened. This form of rejection hurts deeply down to the core and is one I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

Lastly, I've dealt with a form of rejection I often debate may be worse than the previous form I mentioned. This is the rejection that comes from extending your heart out to others, and letting your walls down only to have them crush you all over again. This rejection is terrible because you honestly try to put your faith in others only to come to find out they never truly cared all along. This is the most relevant form of rejection in my life at the moment and it hurts - it just hurts.

Even though I've yet to be able to figure out the good that comes from the last two forms of rejection and I have figured out ways to handle being rejected. 

1. Find Faith 
I don't know how people make it through life without faith of some form. I couldn't do it - I just couldn't. For me, it's the reminder that my Lord loves me, and has bigger plans for me that gets me through everyday. Without His love I couldn't do it. Find faith, maybe not my faith, but faith and faith alone is going to be the best and sometimes only thing that can get you through.

2. Keep Trusting in Others
Be wise and don't give your heart away easily but you have to keep trusting in others. For every 10 that have burned me and broken my heart I've gotten at least two people that I couldn't imagine my life without. Sometimes you have to sift through the dirt to find the diamonds that make life worth living. The pain of the rejection I've received from others may have burned badly but it was worth it to find the gems that I have found. If you keep the walls up you're never going to find the few good ones out there.

3. Make a Goal to Create a Strong Family of Your Own 
When you come from a life of rejection the only thing you can do is strive to be and do better than what you've come from. You're never going to be able to control what others do to you and what you've grown up in but what you can control is what you do and what your family will experience. If you're hurting from the feeling of loneliness you've got to press forward with the goal to create a family life where these problems vanish. Make it a goal to create a strong family unit of your own and do right by others when they don't do right by you.

4. Cry When You Need to Cry 
This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn and I still struggle to learn it daily. Bottling up your feelings will only hurt you more. You can't keep this pain inside, you just can't it'll eat away at you at night and will find you when you're most vulnerable. Let the pain out, just let it out and cry. Sometimes just crying and venting is all the healing you need.

Life gets hard for us all, and being rejected hurts badly but just remember to keep pressing forward. Stay hopeful, because without hope all meaning is lost. Don't spend your life suffering from the pain only to miss out on the beauty that will once come from your trials.