It's True... I'm Moving Back to Cincinnati!

Last June I made the decision to move to Texas. At that point in my life I felt it was the right decision for my life, and I still feel that way today.

I decided to move for various reasons including:

• Jump starting my career and setting myself up better financially 
• To claim independence 
• To remove myself from a very toxic situation 
• To remake myself 
• To learn what it meant to rely more on the Lord and less on people 

All of the above reasons listed I would never have been able to do if I had continued to live in Cincinnati, at that time. When I moved I knew ultimately I would be back but I needed to get away to grow. 

Over the past two to three months I have been feeling a tugging to come back home. Something I have been praying for since last August. Yes, I realize I moved down last July but I have been ready to come home for over a year now. 

I began praying for the Lord to deliver me very quickly. He didn't, and I am thankful for that. I came to the point where I knew I needed to be in Texas but I didn't know for how long. I knew it wouldn't be forever because my heart was never here. 

Though my heart may have never been here, I still found happiness. I found great friends, amazing coworkers, beautiful scenery, and an adventure I wouldn't trade for the world. To leave all of the great people that I have met and now love is the hardest part of the entire process. 

I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity that I was given and the ability to meet such wonderful people. I am truly a people person and I wish I could pack up everyone I've met and bring them back home with me! However, I know that's not possible and coming down for visits once a year or so will have to do.

I also have been blessed with an amazing team, coworkers and boss. I  know my work experience at First American Payment Systems is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I'm not a mushy person, but I truly thank God that I was given the opportunity to work with some amazing people. I plan to take everything I've learned from them and apply it to my professional and personal life. 

Texas has grown me in a way that I will never be able to express and will always remain thankful for; God has taught me so much and I know it's changed me for the better as a person. I also recommend everyone taking a year away if at all possible - your life will be better for it. 

This is truly a bittersweet departure. I hate to tell everyone goodbye but, I know I am not needed here and am needed back home, where my heart is. 

From the time of seriously looking to move and accepting the position the entire process took less than a month. I've never found a job so quickly especially while being out of state and in Ohio! I know that the Lord was in on this because the timing is absolutely perfect. He has answered my prayers in His time reminding me of Isaiah 55:8 and that His thoughts are not mine - but my thoughts are not great, and His are greater and perfect. His timing is perfect and better than any thing I could have ever planned on my own. 

I will be working for EW Scripps assisting in the sales department. I would not like to go into greater detail about this at the moment. 

I'm looking forward to this new season of life! 

What I've Learned From Living in Texas

It's been 11 months since I've lived in Texas. I wanted to wait a year before I wrote this post but I'm feeling eager and like now is the right time to share. 

In the past 11 months I've learned a lot of little things along the way and a few major things that I've truly needed to learn. Today, I'd like to share the five most important lessons I've learned. Not in vanity but to hopefully help others learn, too.

Here are the five biggest life lessons I've learned these past 11 months:

1. I am poorer now than I was before 

I partly moved to Texas to earn more and to gain more financial freedom. I am now making 35% more and have gained more "financial wealth" but have lost the wealth I value most, people. 
I've always stated that life isn't about things it's about people - but I have never truly lived it until now. 
Removing yourself from 95% of the people you love has made me realize that I was a truly wealthy woman - and I truly know with all my heart that my life is meaningless when I have things but don't have anyone to share them with. 

2. God truly answers prayers 

I've suffered a lot, hit lows I've never hit before, been angry and volatile, even resentful but I've seen my God's forgiveness in action and watched how He's heard my prayers and answered them. He's answered every one of my prayers - all in His perfect time and not mine. Watching Him work in my life has truly built a deeper and stronger relationship with the One I've needed to grow in all along. 

3. What I want 

Living near 99% of my family and friends and hearing all the various opinions on what people think I should want, or telling me what I want really began to take its toll on me. Some people may have been right but I didn't want to be told what I wanted. I wanted to learn what I wanted. Separating myself, and using the majority of my time here alone has given me the space I've needed to learn what I want. I know what I want for my future, who I want to be and exactly what I want to become. 

4. More of who I am 

I don't think it's fair to state I know fully who I am. I think we spend our whole lives learning who we are. In every trial and difficult time we learn we're more capable of what we ever thought before. I've faced some ugly times in the past 11 months, and I have learned more of who I am through those times. I've learned more about who I am and less about what people have always told me I was. 
Having no outside forces telling you their opinions of you allows you to truly learn who you really are. 


The last thing that I've learned, has been the hardest to learn yet the most profound and important lesson of all. 

6. When I am no longer the youngest in my family I will be okay 

Aside from my siblings I've always been the youngest in every family dynamic. I've always been the baby of every group - a bossy baby nonetheless but truly the youngest. 

And, if you know me, you know that I have always struggled with horrific anxiety. I've been known to cry randomly because I start worrying about something that could happen in twenty years. I spend nights laying awake worrying about my unborn children - praying they'll be okay, worrying that I will fail them. I can't tell you how many times I've made myself ill worrying about Austin and Bella. I don't even sleep well because I have nightmares about my loved ones dying. I am riddled with anxiety and try hard to keep it at bay. 
I say all of this to introduce my biggest fear and the most profound lesson I've had to learn. I am painfully afraid that when I am left as the matriarch of my family, when I am 90 years old like my great grandmother with five generations below me I will not be able to do it as well as those who have taught me. 
I fear that when I am left alone to lead my family I will fail, I will not leave the same legacy I have... and now I've been fearing this less. 

Being physically separated from all of the women who have invested in my life has taught me that all of their love, wisdom and teachings will never go anywhere. When people are no longer with my physically their love will remain, their wisdom will be remembered, and their legacy will be continued. 

Though I do not want to think of that day, I know when it comes I am going to be okay.  I not only will always have my God with me always supporting me, loving me and carrying me through but I will have the promise to see them again, and hopefully see my offsprings again as well. 

I've truly learned everything is going to be okay, because life isn't in my hands but in my creators. 

Why I'm Going to STOP Saying I'm Self Confident and START Saying I'm Christ Confident

In the past few weeks I've heard a few messages where pastors tell people not to be self-confident. When I hear a pastor say this I usually am taken off guard and am upset; I hate when pastors tell people not to be self-confident. Not because I love pride but because I think we're missing an important point in being confident, in ourselves through Christ - aka Christ confidence.

Whereas I understand where they are coming from, I think telling an individual that struggles with insecurities and confidence they shouldn't be self-confident exacerbates issues that a naturally confident person won't face. For me, I need a big old slice of humble pie but for others they need lifting up.

When you tell a person to only focus on how we are dirty as rags, sinners and deserve nothing but the firey pits of hell (although completely true) and they're already hating themselves this can breed insecurity. Insecurity, can cause an array of issues that can affect a Christians spiritual life.

People who are insecure are more likely to:

• Put others down - we're called to encourage one another 1Thessalonians 5:11
• Hate themselves - We're to love oneanother as ourselves and we can't do that when insecure John 15:12
• Not try for their dreams because of fears - God has a plan for us, and we need the confidence to live out our goals Jeremiah 29:11
• Have increased anxiety - God tells us to be anxious for nothing Philippians 4:6 
• Physically harm themselves - Our bodies are temples that God commands we take care of 1 Corinthians 6:19
• Have a substance addiction - In other words, have an idle we're looking to help us when God should be our help Exodus 20:3 
• Try and conform to the world for approval - We're told to not be conformed to this world but to be transformed Romans 12:2 
• To struggle with jealousy - We're not to compare ourselves to others Galatians 6:4
• Commit Suicide - We are bought with a price, our lives are not our own, they're God's and we belong to Him 1 Corinthians 6:20 

Simply put, being insecure also leads to major sin. We're questioning if God was right in making us they way we are and giving us the lives He has. God is NEVER wrong and He knew what He was doing when He made you. We can be hurt, and angry (and sin not). David was weak, and we are all weak at times. In our weakness we're to lean on Him and let Him pick us up. 

Pride is equally a sin and can equally cause just as many if not more issues in a Christians life. And, when a pastor warns about being self-confident they're in love telling us we cannot do anything without Christ. It's true, everything we do is in Christ, without Him we cannot do anything. Nothing comes from ourselves, everything comes from Him.

However, our limited vocabularies leave us saying, don't be self-confident because that makes you proud and The Lord hates pride. But, it also leaves us without the encouragement to live a lovely life with Christ. We know how not to be but not how to be. 

Being Christ-Confident allows an individual to be confident in God's promises for our lives while remaining humble. It's the balance between pride and despair. 

People who are Christ Confident know: 

• They are wanted - Jeremiah 1:5 
• We are fearfully and wonderfully made - Psalm 139:13-16
• Through Christ, they can do anything - Philippians 4:13
• There is a purpose to their lives and it's for His glory! - Isaiah 43:7 
• How to feel the love that God commands us to give to others - 1 John 4:9-11
• When we delight in God, He'll give us the desires of our hearts - Psalm 37:4
• They can be brave in their faith and live without fear of man - Ephesians 6:19
• God is enough and they have everything they need and don't want - 2 Corinthians 12:9
• God will provide everything they need in life - Matthew 6:24-34

Christ-confidence is the balance we need. See, we're all so loved and we're all so wanted but we're all so undeserving. If we focus on how loved we are and never on our faults then we can become proud. If we focus on how worthless we are we can live a hopeless life. 

God IS enough, only He can provide the life we want, and only with Him can we do anything and have anything. If you're reading this God cared enough to make you, He's blessed you enough with the education to learn how to read what I've typed, gave you the finances to afford an electronic device to read this and so much more. Let's not discredit all of the little blessings we have and how much He loves us. 

Stay balanced, know you are loved and know  you are not worthy but with Christ you are FREE! Let's live free - free from pride and free from despair! 

How to Handle Being Forgotten

In college I became really interested in the field of Family Communication. It was by far my favorite class throughout my entire college career. It was something I was highly interested in and it became one of the few classes that I continued to read research on for years afterwards - actually I still enjoy reading new research.

My nerd obsession has caused me to over analyze my entire life and family and I'm not exactly sure that it's the best interest for me to have. When I look back on my childhood and analyze it - the best memories don't always come to surface. I wish I could say I had the support I needed all along, and I wish I could say that I had a truly care-free childhood. I really wish that I could say a lot of things but I can't.

But, the ONE thing I wish more than anything I could say is that I wish I wasn't always forgotten about. And, I say this because it's one of the many things that has rolled over into adulthood and still causes pain today.

I've always been one that's been quick to forgive so I never really minded when people said things that they didn't mean or did things they shouldn't have done. Sure, there were scars created and left but forgiving things like that aren't really that hard for me to do.

But, being forgotten - that's not as easy to forgive and that creates a whole different level of pain. It's not that a person was just having a bad day and they messed up by saying something they shouldn't have. I mean really, who hasn't said something they shouldn't have before? But, being forgotten that is different - you feel a certain level of worthlessness that's hard to recover from.

It's even worse is when it comes from a parent. Especially when it continues on into adulthood and it becomes a theme of your life to be the "forgotten one". I'll say it a million times over, being forgotten about is way worse than any other form of disappointment. Anger is quick to surface and quick to end, physical pain is merely temporary but being neglected that lasts a lifetime.

I spent my entire childhood riddled with the pain and trying to cope. It wasn't easy and I was always unsuccessful. It wasn't until I was 17 that I finally found the cure for being forgotten. But, it wasn't until I was 24 that I allowed the Cure to do His thing.  

When I was 17 I surrendered my life to Christ - and trust me, that wasn't something I ever foresaw in my future as a child, but it's the best decision I have ever made for my future as an adult. God has brought me great comfort in these past 7 years and every day I am in awe of what He has done for me.

But, sadly, it wasn't until the other night that I for first time really allowed  God to come in and comfort my pain of being neglected. I for the first time in my life, felt the peace that came from my Father - the one who has NOT forgotten me. The one who loves me, and the one who wants me.

For whatever reason I have chosen to hold on to that pain and let it eat away at me. I have limited God - I have let Him have control in some areas of my life but not in all. And it wasn't until I was finally too exhausted, too torn and too weary that I finally let what I should have been letting all along. I let the PEACE that passeth all understanding fill my heart, my mind and my soul. I surrendered all my problems and I even gave up my biggest problem that I've so stupidly held onto all these years.

And since then, I have almost felt like a fool because I've kept such a beautiful, peaceful joy from my life. I've prevented something so wonderful with such a proud spirit.

So, I am here today with a humble heart and a humble spirit to tell anyone who's reading that if you're feeling forgotten about and unwanted - you do have a Father that loves you. You were created with a specific intent. And, "though my Father and Mother forsake me the Lord will receive me." Psalm 27:10

If you're looking to feel the love that you so deserve just stop searching and just start crying out. It's taken me 24 years to learn to just stop and I hope I can help someone learn this precious lesson much sooner in life. He loves you, you are wanted and He is enough!

And for those who don't understand my picture - it's of the movie Matilda, it was the one movie I related to more than anything in my childhood! I definitely recommend watching!

Confessions of a Selfish Person

I like to read a few books at a time. A lot of the Christian based books I read often offer a lot of powerful content and I like to read a chapter a day so I can reflect on that chapter each day. Because of only reading one chapter a day, I read multiple books, because I like learning multiple things in one day.

Quote from A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado

Recently, I've found myself very upset with loved ones because I felt like I've been wronged. And, to be honest, I still feel there were injustices that took place - but that's neither here nor there. With my recent episode of feeling pain, and living as a single woman around very few family members I've become increasingly self centered.

Today, A Love Worth Giving and The Meaning of Marriage, two of the books I'm reading spoke on self centeredness. Typically my books don't coincide like that, and when they do, I feel it's time to listen. Additionally with recent events that have taken place in my life, I felt it was wise to listen to what scripture had to say.

"Love is patent, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Catch that little line in the middle... "it is not self-seeking". That hits me hard, and I am sure many others. I am guilty of being a self-seeking individual. My childhood was primarily spent in survival mode. I was surrounded by many that loved me, and I knew it; but, with all of the love I was abundantly showered with there was never much guidance. I was surrounded by people that would have given their lives for me, but they lacked maturity and the level of responsibility a child needs.

I spent many years watching people I love ruin their lives, act foolishly and completely neglect their responsibilities and often times the responsibilities associated to me. I spent years being provided every material item I ever wanted but never the emotional support I needed. I had to look out for me or else no one else would.

Those years of survival mode formed many great characteristics that I am thankful to have. I'm incredibly resourceful, relentless, persuasive, adaptable, and I very well may have a will power stronger than any other person I have or will ever meet. But, with the good comes the bad, the bad of the survival mode is that I have not ever been able to fully leave that mode and I've become incredibly selfish. When presented with difficulties my self-centeredness is off the charts; because, self-preservation is the only way I have ever known to survive.

In the past few months my selfish behavior has hurt many that I love. I watched and listened to the anger that arose from my behavior. I hurt feelings of people who love me because I had my own agenda and there was nothing that could be done to stop it. And, then, I felt guilt, much guilt and apologized but stayed mad at myself for letting myself hurt people that I care about.

With others, I remained quiet and grew angry that didn't behave how I expected them to. I let myself get angry over events that weren't anything, and situations that could have been talked about reasonably and calmly. But, people didn't do what I wanted them to do and as a result I grew silently angry. I waited to ambush with an attack that was created in my head.

I grew so angry that I hurt one of the people I love most. I was ruthless because I thought I deserved to be. At no point in any of these past few months did I ever put the other peoples feelings and their circumstances into consideration. I did not practice empathy, I practiced selfishness. I never put another first.

And when I left that person completely speechless I knew I had gone too far. I knew that my selfish actions had caused damage I truthfully never wanted to cause. I finally snapped out of my selfishness but only after it was too late and I had inflicted pain I can't take back. I have felt terrible for weeks over this. Now, I'll have to spend a good amount of time removing the wedge in the relationship that I created all in a matter of two hours I was able to cause enough damage that will take weeks to repair.

I did not do as Paul said, I was not humble and did not serve others over myself.  I did not act out of love, I acted out of pride. 1 Corinthians is very clear about what love is and how it behaves, yet I wasn't doing any of it. Jesus himself said, "A new command I give you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34 Without love we have nothing, yet I wasn't following what I had been commanded to do and what Jesus so highly values. His love is never selfish, His love was always kind and His love was not the love I was showing.

Sadly, I know I am not the only person on this planet that has had to deal with the repercussions of being selfish. I am not and will not be the last person that will ever hurt another out of selfishness. Oh, no, selfishness is something everyone struggles with. Sadly, I have a feeling everyone reading this can relate to the pain and guilt felt from hurting someone else because of self centered behaviors.

So, if you're reading this and you are one of the people I have hurt due to my selfish ways, I am sorry. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wronged you, and you didn't deserve to suffer from my sin. I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me.

And, if you're reading this and I haven't wronged you and you're wondering where I am going with all of this, here's where I am going, evaluate yourself and your situations. If you're mad at someone, if a relationship you care about is failing, if you're genuinely unhappy look at your life and find the selfishness in it and rid yourself of it.

Instead, join with me, and today decide that you too will start sacrificing your wants for others. Decide with me to start moving forward into a life filled with the joy God has intended for us, and not the bondage we create for ourselves.

Selfishness is like an emotional cancer that will ruin our lives and has been the cause of ending many lives throughout history. Let's start loving how Jesus loves, how we are supposed to love and take back the joy that selfishness has robbed all of us for years of.

How to Handle Rejection

In life we all tend to be a pro in something. I, personally, have become a pro at being rejected.
Typically I refrain from posts like these because I am not much a fan of being viewed as a victim and I absolutely hate when people do things for me out of pity.
But, I've been struggling with the pain that comes from rejection a lot the past month, and I know that I am not alone. I also know this pain can be one of the most hurtful pains an individual can feel and a lot people are afraid to express their pain to others. So, it is out of my desire to let others feel they're not alone and to help as many people as I can I've decided to write on this topic.

When it comes to rejection, I've experience a LOT of it over my life time. In fact, I deal with the pain of feeling rejected every single day of my life. Every single day I have to fight off the horrid thoughts that come with and rise above.

Not every day is bad but everyday I fight the demons off to some degree nonetheless. I've dealt with rejection that I've realized in the end was for the better. Rejection like, not getting the jobs I so desperately wanted; but in the end realized that they weren't the right fit for me after all and I ended up right where I was supposed to be all along. This rejections is the easiest to overcome, because with patience and a little bit of time you see the good in being rejected from something you wanted. At first it hurts, but this rejection prepares you for other rejections and allows you to see the good in a bad situation. I don't so much mind this form of rejection as I do the others.

I've dealt with the rejection that comes from a family member that should love you, reject you and disown you year after year. Rejection from family members is a type of rejection that I've yet to be able to figure out the good in. This rejection is raw, every time you are reminded of this pain you're hurt as much as you were the first time it happened. This form of rejection hurts deeply down to the core and is one I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

Lastly, I've dealt with a form of rejection I often debate may be worse than the previous form I mentioned. This is the rejection that comes from extending your heart out to others, and letting your walls down only to have them crush you all over again. This rejection is terrible because you honestly try to put your faith in others only to come to find out they never truly cared all along. This is the most relevant form of rejection in my life at the moment and it hurts - it just hurts.

Even though I've yet to be able to figure out the good that comes from the last two forms of rejection and I have figured out ways to handle being rejected. 

1. Find Faith 
I don't know how people make it through life without faith of some form. I couldn't do it - I just couldn't. For me, it's the reminder that my Lord loves me, and has bigger plans for me that gets me through everyday. Without His love I couldn't do it. Find faith, maybe not my faith, but faith and faith alone is going to be the best and sometimes only thing that can get you through.

2. Keep Trusting in Others
Be wise and don't give your heart away easily but you have to keep trusting in others. For every 10 that have burned me and broken my heart I've gotten at least two people that I couldn't imagine my life without. Sometimes you have to sift through the dirt to find the diamonds that make life worth living. The pain of the rejection I've received from others may have burned badly but it was worth it to find the gems that I have found. If you keep the walls up you're never going to find the few good ones out there.

3. Make a Goal to Create a Strong Family of Your Own 
When you come from a life of rejection the only thing you can do is strive to be and do better than what you've come from. You're never going to be able to control what others do to you and what you've grown up in but what you can control is what you do and what your family will experience. If you're hurting from the feeling of loneliness you've got to press forward with the goal to create a family life where these problems vanish. Make it a goal to create a strong family unit of your own and do right by others when they don't do right by you.

4. Cry When You Need to Cry 
This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn and I still struggle to learn it daily. Bottling up your feelings will only hurt you more. You can't keep this pain inside, you just can't it'll eat away at you at night and will find you when you're most vulnerable. Let the pain out, just let it out and cry. Sometimes just crying and venting is all the healing you need.

Life gets hard for us all, and being rejected hurts badly but just remember to keep pressing forward. Stay hopeful, because without hope all meaning is lost. Don't spend your life suffering from the pain only to miss out on the beauty that will once come from your trials.

Why Petty Rules Are Ruining Christianity

This year I have become a pretty big Duggar fan. From a Christian stand point there is a lot of things I do agree with the Duggar's on. I agree on salvation and most basic principles they believe. But, I also disagree with the Duggar's on their cult-like attitude and their legalistic views. But, my views on the Duggar's are neither here nor there and are irrelevant to this post.

Pants Proud - I happily posted my own pants. 

Moving on, my newly found 'fandom' of the Duggars lead me to find Free Jinger. I love reading the site for a variety of reasons. I love to see how the world views Christians. I love to see misconceptions and I love learning how certain attitudes make the world feel so I know better how to approach non-believers. I genuinely enjoy learning all sides of the spectrum. And, the snark, of course has made me laugh a time or two.

Today I came across a new conversation thread titled, "Pants make women look like men from behind...". Out of boredom I opened the thread and was absolutely appalled by the blog that they were referring to.

The blog that started this thread was about how a woman thought that women in pants looked like men. She proceeded to post pictures of backsides of women as "proof" that the backside of women in pants look like men. This absolutely FLOORED me.

First off, how rude?! Really, imagine that was your backside plastered on a woman's blog telling the world that you looked like a man. Would you be mad? I would be more than upset. But, as if it wasn't enough that she creeped on women to take pictures of their butts, there are comments on the thread mentioning how lovely it was for her to post this topic. Not one of those women took the time to say, "hey, maybe you shouldn't take pictures of someone else's butt... That's a little insensitive don't you think?" (Don't worry I took the time to comment.)

As I sit at my desk, in my heathen Jeggings, I can guarantee every last one of those women would criticize me telling me that I am not honoring God. They wouldn't notice my Bible on my desk, or the Christian books surrounded by me. They wouldn't care about anything other than I have pants on and I am going to church tonight in them.

What in the world happened to that little thing called, compassion?! Or loving another like yourself? Not being a stumbling block to the unbelievers?

I find posting someone else as an example is the opposite of compassion. And I doubt she'd post a comparison of her backside in pants and a skirt because she would be embarrassed. No one wants a picture of their butt and only their butt on display. Especially when a woman is telling everyone she thinks you look like a man! That's very insensitive and not biblical. 

I seem to remember somewhere in the, oh I don't know, Bible telling us to not judge the world on it's outworld appearance but on the inward. Because God doesn't see what the world sees, He doesn't judge us on the outside but on the inside.

It's posts like this that draw people away from Christ. Yes, our body is a temple and yes we should take care of it and honor God in every way and always but it is not our job to slam others for their appearance. It's behavior like this that draws people away from Christ. It's behavior like this that makes us lose sight.

Focusing on petty rules are ruining Christianity because we're drawing people away from Christ. If I were an unbeliever and read this post I wouldn't attend church next week. I would dislike Christians a lot after this. That's so minor and yet treated so major.

Jesus LOVED a leper.  I bet the leper didn't look all so great but yet Jesus touched him and loved him as much as He loves you and He loves me. When we focus on the little petty things we lose sight of what matters. We start making rules out of our personal convictions and preferences but not out of what God has actually ordained.

We need to keep our preferences to ourselves and close relatives and friends and people that care to ask us why we do what we do. Our actions not our words need to speak louder for us.

Also, by banning pants for woman as a whole we limit the amount of light in this world. There are many activities that cannot be done in a skirt or dress. When we limit women to activities we limit the ability for them to be a light in every area of this world. We are called to love the world and tell the world about Jesus.

We're not called to post embarrassing pictures on our blogs and make people feel shameful. The Holy Spirit has the job of making us feel guilty leave it to Him.